April 2015 - Losing the will to be me!!

I thought I was overdue to make another entry in my blog but there is never any set time limit to make an entry anyway, so does it make any difference? Mmmm, just rambling I suppose so I’m able to start writing this entry! 

It is now almost the end of April and things are quiet which seems to be the normal these days! However, it should not be like that as otherwise, now’t to write in this blog about! So what had been happening, well nothing! Oh sorry, manage to get to Leeds First Friday at the beginning of the month as I went with Paula, a local friend who I had not seen for over 9 months. An enjoyable evening was had as expected, met up with Tina Maria, who manage to get chucked out of her hotel room for non-compliance with fire regulations and also finally met Jill from the North East, after about 12 months regular internet contact. Oh yes bumped into Diane and her partner Ashley who were looking well as well as saying hello to Cindy - she being a lovely stunning girl. Being the Good Friday, I must admit although there quite a few people about, but it did seem a little quieter than normal. As for my next LFF outing, well it will be towards end of the year at the earliest but that is not definite. 

Now interestingly, I am attempting to rack my brains, if I manage to get out during March and if I did, I cannot remember it! So what does that tell you, an evening to forget may be or just another evening in the Village without any images to prove I went out! Regardless, the some total of outings in the last two months is either one or two sadly. That says a lot of how quiet things are to be honest and not something I like either. 

With in the last couple of weeks, Amanda (York) who was working in the area had been attempting meet me locally for afternoon / evening outing but sadly for a number of reasons, just could not get our paths to cross sadly, which was unfortunate and also realise, it was not meant to be. Hopefully, an opportunity will arise to again to see each other soon? In the meantime, I have a provisional meeting to meet Kelly from Manchester on 18th May, who is full time and looks if she enjoys her “everyday” life, if you look at her flickr images. Fingers cross this meeting happens. 

As I have written, things are too quiet to be honest with the problem made especially worst by no contact by so called friends, although I do try to make contact but sadly just no response. Clearly, they are too busy with there lives which is fair enough but not to stay in contact is just really not on. May be the bottom line, people don’t like me or don’t wish to find time to stay in touch? I have also attempted to make contact with other girls, to start some sort of genuine friendship but that is either hard work with little response or just nothing there to begin with. Even today, I’ve tried to get out but no one about to meet even in the Village, Manchester and certainly don’t fancy being on my own! So consequently, I don’t bother and write this blog entry instead! I am now realising with lack of any contact with other girls, I am now losing the will to be “me” and wondering what it’s all about in the first place! My confidence in being me is slowly disappearing too and I’m frightened I get to the stage, that I won’t bother at all. 

The stupid thing though, I enjoy being “me”, I enjoy the dressing up, getting out and would like to meet friends and have a good time but there is just no chance of that happening. Yes, I have a provisional meeting with Kelly in 3 weeks but by then, will I want to go out if I’ve not been out before then? That is the real question I suppose! Yes, things can and do change literally overnight but the reality, I am just going backwards now and will I end up in the closet again? That how it seems sadly. M.R. wont mind that I suppose but for me as a person, won’t do me any good what so ever! Yes, I do believe, once a TV always a TV, that I accept but what does the future hold for “me” now? Time to say goodbye to my lovely clothes as I am wasting my valuable time I have left in my life? 

Talking about life, sadly but glad in this particular instance, my father finally passed away at the end of March. I say glad and not being cruel, he was suffering from “Dementia” and the sad reality of the situation, he had no idea where or who he was, let alone who I (or my family) were. No one deserves to suffer like that but at least he is at peace. However, I must admit, attending his funeral, was strange to say the least, it was like attending a friend’s funeral rather than my fathers funeral. Myself and other members of the family, neither had any emotions or feelings on the day nor strangely since then either. Without going into the whole story of my father and his wife, who the latter, arrange the funeral etc without any input from me or my family, my father seem to have taken all our feelings for him away which I find sad but one that I cannot explain. Sadly, I will never find the answer either as it is too late! 

Well, I’ve written enough for this entry, as it is all doom and gloom without any real inspiration for the future either. The other question now, will I actually be at Sparkle in July? 

March 2015 - It's been a while!

Hello Blog, I have been neglecting you of late but you have not been forgotten though! I suppose that suggest’s not much to report and it is more or less is correct. Outings have been sparse so far, in fact only three so far, one at beginning of January and two in February. There has been a number of reasons for that which includes picking up another virus which would just not go away for at least three weeks!! A sense of frustration there but not much I could do about it. 

My first 2015 outing was to the Village, meeting up with Kate for a quiet evening and playing catch up on each other’s news. In fact it was just another outing in the Village except noting the closure of “Taurus” and with neither Eden, Churchill’s and probably couple of other bars not being open! OK beginning of the year I suppose but never noted that before, so may be a sign of the times and the economy is still not on the up contrary to what the “Government” are telling us! May be things are better in London but have they looked further afield, probably not which is no surprise. 

It was February before I got out again due to the “virus” already mentioned but the second outing was a good night out as Alison was up in the area and took the opportunity to meet each other in the Village. Another good evening was had with a nice meal in Velvet, then Via afterwards. Interestingly found out that as well as “Taurus” now closed, so had “Eden” too with the rumour that “Taurus” was getting converted into a hotel or something! Whether that is true or not, remains to be seen but losing two decent bar’s in the Village is not a good thing but will someone else step into the breach. Interestingly “Churchills” was also closed that night too! Prior to this outing, I took the opportunity to visit work and give some of my girly colleagues a little surprise  who had not seen me before. The visit went down very well and they all said I looked the part and dress appropriately including that my “make-up” was good too. Nice to have those compliments and clearly again, I am doing something right! My third outing was in late February and a visit to Chester was had for an interesting and enjoyable evening was had including meeting a couple of new girls too. 

At the moment and it is the second week of March, no chance of any outings, as last week was difficult to get out as a family member was home all week, with this week, well M.R. and I are off on a week’s holiday from week, so we are having time together instead. A question of priorities at the moment but I’m sure I will play catch up later this month with may be an outing or two next week?

A couple of weeks ago, M.R. had raised a few matters regarding me, along with my recent dress style as she had noted some of my Flickr images. Indirect reference was made to the “short” skirts I was wearing but as I kindly pointed out, it was nothing unusual as worn them in the past and only occasionally too. Outside that, I keep to my usual fashion style as other friends would agree. A couple of other issues were raised too but this happens from time to time with M.R. and I  but it is always a question of re-assurances to make sure things are ok and nothing will change which is very true indeed. 

My good friend Sue is still in the “closet” so to speak after receiving an e/mail from her recently. Sadly her re-introduction to the real world once again is just on hold for a little longer as Sue’s facial problem as still not cleared up and it seems to be taking longer than she may of anticipated to recover! Knowing about Sue’s frustration really puts any moans / problems that I may have into perspective and just makes me think I am lucky to have some sort of choice of being “me”. Sadly Sue don’t have that option and I do feel for her but hopefully things will get better sooner rather than later. Sue, I know you will be reading this, so stick in there my good friend, you are surrounded by good and supportive people especially living near to you, that you know and hopefully, they continue to give you some sort of inspiration in attempting to stay positive, no matter how hard it may seen. And yes I will get in contact with you soon, I did say I would and I will. 

Well, that’s it for now, now’t else to write about, so until the next time my little blog, be careful and take care. x

December 2014 - Dead time come and gone!

Well, first of all, a Happy New year to everyone, especially my friends and especially to Sue, who I sincerely hope, girly things will return be sooner than later. 

OK I know, this entry posted a couple of days into the New Year but titled December 2014 but it is after all about matters in the latter end of 2014! As my previous blog entry suggested, time leading up to xmas is always a dead time for me especially for outings but even I did not expect that there would be one outing during December as I did have plans for at least two but may be three and that did not include the one outing that I achieved. Put simply I got struck down with a virus in the second week of December, which basically spelt curtains for me for the rest of the month especially with Christmas / New Year week on the horizon! So for a while, I had accepted that it would be 2015 before I could get out again and then out of the blue, a message was received from Alison, that she was coming up to Manchester on Sunday 21st and would I like to meet her for an evening out. Well I could not say yes fast enough although I knew I was not 100% health wise but it was an opportunity never the less! See how things can change when you least expect it hey?

Fortunately for me, the virus I had was slowly improving and was ok to meet Alison at the Britannia Hotel, Manchester for an evening out in the Village! My outfit was simply a black lace Laura Ashley dress I had purchase the previous day so getting ready was simply easy as for a change already decided what I was wearing! As for the evening itself, great to see Alison again, lovely meal at Velvet and then hit some bars in the Village. Well being a Sunday and allowing for Christmas, I did not expect to be much activity as it could be quiet but there was enough people about to keep things going until 1am in the morning. The main activities seem to centre around “Via” and “New York, New York” bars so that is where we went for a drink or two along with some dancing too. As no surprise, people there were in a festive mood and all having fun. It was great being in the company of Alison and a good night was had, a nice way to end 2014 after all which at least keep me going until the New Year. 

As for other things, it was normal, just routine and nothing to write about. The festive period itself was a very quiet affair, in fact too quiet and in someways could not wait for it to disappear! On Xmas Day morning went to see my father who is a care home as he has dementia unfortunately. What a sad sight and not one that my Father deserves as like he had done for the previous 12 months, none the wiser for who I was! Yes physically he is still there but mentally, well on planet whatever! I stayed for an hour with him but I just wish he was put out of his misery, he never wanted that and again does not deserve it. OK I know some people will say, you should not wish that but unless you been in that situation, how would you know. No human being deserves that regardless who they are. Dementia is a very very cruel disease and hopefully some form of cure may be found although it wont be in my lifetime. Seeing my Father, scares me unfortunately! 

So it is now 2015 and again, happy new year to all. Looking back on 2014, it was not a bad year for KD, there were some good times, that was for sure but I think the most important thing that came out of the year was something small but significant never the less. I had finally come to terms with who I am and what I can do about it without the pressures / hassle / worries of other people in my life that had been about in previous years. In simple terms, people who knew me especially M.R. work colleagues etc had accepted me for who I am rather what I am. This meant I could be myself in what ever form that may be which made day to day things so much more enjoyable which meant wanting to be KD all the time was not an issue anymore as I could be “me” almost anytime I choose (well within reason)! I hope this continues for the future too.

As for 2015 in consequence, I am just going to take things as they come and see what goes before me rather than attempting to make plans or goals so to speak. Yes, still want to do certain things, such as a Race meeting, theatre outing etc but also various locations including London and may be the North East as well as more routine local outings hopefully with a friend too - now that would be nice as I still miss that especially with Tina going absent without leave in late 2013! I know the likes of Leeds First Friday, Sparkle weekend will definitely figure in any plans but may be a trip to Nottingham too? Who knows hey but will leave my options open regardless. 

Well, time to go as work beckons once again shortly. Happy 2015 to all. 

November 2014 - A routine entry!

Hello little blog and trusting you are ok? Yes ok here too with the usual grumblings but we stay away from that hey! So since last entry what has been going on? Not much I suppose but only three outings since with a couple near miss’s too but ended not going due to “family” matters. 

As mentioned in last blog entry, M.R. had suggested an outing with her “special friend” and this actually happened which was great. I decided to dress down so to speak in keeping with “normality” rather than short skirts of late. An enjoyable evening was had in the Manchester Village with a nice meal in Velvet and visits to both the Molly House and Oscars afterwards. M.R. was impressed with Oscars as it was her cup of tea as the bar is based on film musicals showing various known singing clips from the musicals which creates a talking point along with a good atmosphere. All in all, a successful night and hopefully it will happen again. 

My other two outings was meeting Alison from Kent, who was staying overnight and an excellent evening was had with unusually me getting home at 4.00am due to numerous reasons. It is always nice to see Alison, as we play catch up on various happenings, generally have a good time and plenty of laughter too. Visited Velvet again for a meal, along with calling into Via, Oscars and also Naps too - it was also Alison’s first visit to Oscars also and she liked the place too. My other outing was meeting Kate in the Village again and that is always an enjoyable evening. As mentioned before, I tried to get out the last two Wednesday’s but have been thwarted for numerous reasons - a sense of frustration on my part but I should get out next Wednesday all being well.

Manage to get some excess clothes from my wardrobe onto Ebay and overall, not a bad return although you never get the money back that you spent on the clothes in the first instance. However, at least some funds back rather than staying in the wardrobe and not getting worn, so no complaints there. Some items have not been sold but will try again sometime in the future.

Talking of clothes, over recent months, my dress style has changed in a little but not much. I have stopped wearing tights as i now preferring wearing stockings all the time  - so feminine and also more comfy to wear too. I've also worn the very occasional shorter skirt, showing my legs off more which some people suggesting they are good, so no harm! However, I still love my longer skirts so wont make a habit of it otherwise sends the wrong message, not just to other people but M.R. too which is important to me as I love being “me” which I thinks means a “classy / natural everyday” look? 

Still making some contact with new girls on a couple of forums but as usual, the nice ones seem to in another part of the UK or not sure about getting out. I think one or two of them will have to be long term plans for eventual meets but worth persisting though. Others though I can never figure out, yes they are seeking new friends but …… there is always an excuse of some sort or another why it is not possible to go further although they indicate they do! Genuine may be but time wasting at the same time I think which is not I’m seeking. However, the law of averages suggest allow for the time wasters and in between some good girls will come along. Fingers cross and hopefully local too! 

Now we are approaching Xmas, which seems to be getting earlier and earlier every (not sure why but something to do with making money I suppose), it is getting to what I call the dead time of year for me were KD outings are at a premium. Hopefully. I will get one or two outings in early December but after that, it looks it will be January before another outing - this just adds to more frustration and plenty of patience on my part waiting for festive season to come and go as soon as possible. Yes Bah Humbug she says! :-))

October 2014 - Getting back to “normal” & LFF!

Ah yes looking at the heading, what is “normal”? I really don’t have any idea, everybody has a different interpretation of the word but in my case, life after Sparkle! Writing this now 3 months after Sparkle, what have I been up to suppose is the question?

Well life after Sparkle has been up and down, but that is to be expected and something I’ve got used too. Work has been all over the place especially being short staff for a considerable period. It’s only recently, that we have got a full quota of staff but even today I find out another staff member is leaving for a new full time job! But that is progress I suppose! Home life is fine which is nice, in fact probably improved as my son has got a new employment and his finishing hours are more in keeping with “me” getting ready without the fear of an early arrival home - so that is an unexpected positive step forward. 

Outings have been at a minimum too for numerous reasons, working out about once a month but a total of 4 including Leeds First Friday last week. All three visits have been to the Village or thereabouts, meeting various friends but all been good never the less. On the second meet of the three, my good friend Sarah (Cheshire) manage to a rare outing and it is always nice to see her - she is a lovely girl and hopefully not too long before I see her again. The third was an invite to Anna’s 50th birthday meal at Brown’s Restaurant in Manchester City Centre in mid September and that was a good evening indeed. Good company as there was 7 of us altogether including Kate and Mrs Kate, along with good food and service with best of all away from the Village too. After that we headed to the Village to “Oscars” which is one of the best bars in the Village. The theme for “Oscar’s” is based on the Hollywood Film Musicals with TV screens around the small but cosy bar playing various musical songs from the films. The atmosphere is good but with the songs / video’s being played, they become a talking point as well as an excuse to staying quiet while you sing along - you just cant helped it! :-)) If you have not been, go and visit, you may just like it! Afterwards we headed to Naps before I finally headed home! My only regret, that I had forgotten to get a birthday card (& little pressie) for Anna as I’ve got into the routine of just another night in Manchester. Sorry Anna if you reading this but will make it to you in due course. 

My latest outing was last Friday but it was nearly a none event although it had been loosely planned since July. I had agreed with a friend from the North East to share a room over night at the Travel Lodge in Leeds for the “Leeds First Friday” monthly event with room paid in advance with a 24hrs cancelation (refund) clause too. Last time I was at LFF was in February so was really looking forward to this. What happened next was so unexpected and very annoying to say the least! My N.E friend (yes I am protecting her identity, silly me) text me 10.20am on the Friday of the event to say she not coming!! Apparently she had problems which was fair enough and clearly been on going for the previous few days without suggesting that she may not come but to leave so late to let me know, well as I’ve said was bloody annoying! This left me without the option of the 24hrs cancelation clause, and being on my own! Was made worst by the fact, another friend from Sussex who we going to meet for the first time decided also could not make it but she was going with another girl anyway, so it was not a definite meeting arrangement! Having had got all packed and ready to go, I was left in a Catch 22 situation - go and take a chance I meet someone familiar without gate crashing their arrangements or not go at all and lose the £43 on the hotel room? I spent the next 3 hours attempting to decide and even trying last chance saloon with a couple of other friends to see if they wanted to go with no surprise, no joy! In the end I made the decision to go and see what goes. In the meantime I had purposely not text N.E. friend back - you decide why! 

Having arrived in Leeds, I then find out another newie friend Tina was going as I received an e/mail via my phone she was arriving soon and we could get together.  This was finally a little bit of good news but still left a sour taste in my mouth though. My N.E friend knew she was going but had not said Tina was on her own or suggested where she was staying! As it happened, it was the same hotel and she was in a room on her own! It does not take genius to work out that had I known the day before, one of us could of cancelled the room, saved some money and stayed together in one room! Rubbing salt into the wound hey! As for the rest of the night, it was good one, we both enjoyed ourselves and never got to bed until very late not after meeting some interesting people along the way too including a nice couple from Burscough. Best venue of the night was the "Smokestack" with the theme based on R&B music - some great tunes getting played but there was very few girls in there but everyone was having a good time. A highly recommended venue were you dance all night to some great classic tunes! Something else happened during the night were my N.E. friend again manage to make a fool of me without being present - that takes some doing hey! :-))) Tina and I finally said our goodbyes later Saturday after visiting McDonalds for a bite to eat before finally heading home a little tired! 

I was hoping to get out again this week but sadly bank balance said no - ah well cannot have everything! :-)) The aftermath with my N.E. friend - well finally sent her a pleasant e/mail to her letting her know how I felt by the timing of the cancelation (not the reasons) but as yet no response although I know she has been around on the Internet. Mmmm I wonder whether an humble apology and £21.50 cheque will be forthcoming, as that all I want and then we can both move on and put it in the past, but sadly so far no response! 

Currently, now having a sort out of my wardrobe again and seeing what can go on Ebay. So far I’ve got over 20 items to sell and only half way through my wardrobes. Those wardrobes that have been cleared look much better and my clothes are not so tightly packed anymore. Just proves I’ve got too many clothes hey! If thinks go to plan and bank balance says yes, M.R. has suggested we could go out next Wednesday together with her “special” friend which I thought that was nice and as it happens there is a good opportunity to do so too. This pleases me to say the least and fingers cross it will happen - I really hope so! Well that is enough for this entry, time for bed as work later.