July 2015 - A 2013 recollection!

Just a quick entry this time but looking through my documents on my PC, I came across this little piece dated April 2013 in connection with Sianne's college project on Transgender people which I was part of. Sianne ask me at the time to write a short story to tie in with the images she had taken of me (as well as the other seven girls participating in the project) to be put on display in a Manchester Gallery during the summer of that year. Below is the entry which I thought I would share.

As I originate from Liverpool and still live in the area, I have always taken the view not to be “me” in my home city for a number of reasons. It is sort of too close to home so to speak but on the first shoot with Sianne I thought why not? My reasoning behind this was simple, I am confident enough to blend in my surroundings and never encountered problems visiting other locations around the UK, so this was an ideal occasion in the circumstances. To make matters more interesting it was also schools half term week in February, so there would be kids about too which sometimes is not ideal especially when you are presenting yourself in the opposite gender - this is another story though. 

On arriving at the Albert Dock, it became clear early on that no person had notice me which is what I was after as clearly my appearance was as good as it could be which gave further confidence. Walking around locations although very familiar to me was a little strange as never visited as KD. Yes, it was a little odd in my mind but definitely right as normally I’m tend to be out in non familiar locations such as Manchester. As expected, there was plenty of visitors around including numerous kids and students but not one batted an eyelid or express an interest in me.

After saying goodbye to Sianne, I went to Costa for a coffee before ultimately heading home which gave me time to reflect as it was only then I realize, that again not one person gave me a second glance, including the half term students either which gave me a great confidence boost for the future especially being in my home city. May be I look better than I think? I have always strive to look the part of a lady but it is really up to others to decide that I must be doing something right in my mind. 

Sianne and I met again in Liverpool in early April, this time a visit to Sefton Park which is  very close to home for me personally as this was an area I was brought up in my younger days, so therefore knew it well. Walking around the park on a nice sunny afternoon, there were plenty of people (and children) in the park and again I seem to blend in as everyone just thinking I was just another lady which I was! It was not long before the afternoon was over and we said our goodbyes once again but knowing that I had achieved another milestone in being the person I enjoy portraying. 

In conclusion, being “me” in my home city was something special but I never expected to do and one that I enjoyed never the less. Will it happen again? Yes I’m sure it will do but on limited occasions though as the fear of being recognized plays in my mind although clearly no person that I may know, would recognize me as they would not be expecting nor thinking to meet a TGirl, let alone meeting myself as KD! It is strange how your brain plays tricks when there is no need too!

KD. 11th April 2013.

June 2015 - Quality not quantity meets!

Time for another entry as it has been over two months since the last one but things in general are just ok, so no hurry to make another entry.

Outings have been sparse since April but made up in quality though which to me is more important but at the same time had to cancel a couple at the last minute too due to home circumstances which in my book, is not a done thing to let people down so I did feel terrible! Sorry girls, you know who you are. However, on the bright side, I did finally manage to meet up with Amanda in Chester in May, the third time of asking. On this occasion, nothing got in the way other than our own thoughts as it transpired. While getting ready during the afternoon, I did have seconds thoughts about actually going out! It was down to losing confidence in going out, something that happens when it has been a while since you have been out. I’m sure some girls will relate to that from their own experience’s but in this instance because it was Amanda I was meeting, I had to go whether I like it or not! I met up with Amanda in Hoole and after a short chat, headed to Chester City Centre were then realise it was Chester Races and found it a little busy in places. This led us taking a little time to find a restaurant for a bite to eat but eventually we found “La Fattoria” in Lower Bridge St which was packed out, but when you see that, it is usually a good sign that the food is good! Fortunately, the Italian waiter, manage to find a table for two, ironically near the men’s toilets which was quite amusing but just co-incidental though. Regardless, the service and food were excellent even though the waiters were run off their feet but nothing was too much for them! Bottom line, highly recommended and go again! Afterwards, Amanda and I went for a walk by the river, later on a cup of tea and a good old natter covering many things! Ironically, it is then that Amanda had also had lost some confidence and had similar thoughts as myself which I found surprising, as Amanda does always has a lot of self belief. However, she had not been out for a few months for a number of reasons so this is why she felt the same way as myself! You see it happens to the best of us! 

Next outing was meeting up with Kelly Helm in Manchester City Centre on 20th May as previously planned. Kelly is a girl who i came across via Flickr site and things developed from there. My main thought, although I knew what Kelly would look like, she has a habit of having different colour hair styles along with her outfits, so was not sure how she would appear! She has the lovely ability of excellent co-ordinating with her clothes. Although I was running a little late and made my apologies according finally met up with Kelly and to my surprise in an outfit and hair style I have never seen wearing before but she still looked good. We then headed into the City Centre and found a nice coffee bar near to the old “Corn Exchange”, not before making a “visit”. For next 2/3 hours, we chatted about our lives, exchange backgrounds but one thing for sure, Kelly is such a genuine lovely lady who has a great outlook on life as well as caring for her family and friends. To be honest, one of the nicest people I’ve ever come across. Unfortunately time was against us and we said our goodbyes near Piccadilly but hopefully we will meet again soon. Afterwards, I done a little bit of shopping including some hold ups / stockings from Primark but my outing was not done! I had arrange to meet Kate and Sophia later on in the Village and originally was going to change my outfit ( a Monsoon dress) but decided I could not be bothered as I looked ok anyway! Eventually met up with the girls, had a bite to eat, and had a nice evening in the Village, with eventually getting home at 2.30 in the morning! Yes that was a long but most enjoyable day. 

My next outing was another quality outing but on this occasion, meeting up with Sianne from Halifax, again in Manchester City Centre. For those people who have read my blog entries, will be aware that Sianne is the 23yr old RG student who I met over two years ago who was doing a project / course on TG people and I was one of her subjects. Eventually Sianne got the qualifications due to her course work, and I thought that would be it! Anyway much to my surprise, Sianne got back in touch some months ago which was really nice and eventually we arranged this meet. Just like Kelly’s meet, I was running late again but fortunately it made no difference but met up with Sianne and decided to have a drink and a chat first! Playing catch up on the last two years but Sianne was looking good to say the least. Mmm oh so envious from my point if view but something I’ve got use too especially working as I do with my girl work colleagues! Afterwards, we headed to “Browns” to have a bite to eat which Sianne kindly paid for which was much appreciated but seem so wrong. You need to think about the latter thought and put a different head on to understand what I mean! Afterwards, we headed to the Village for another drink and eventually met up with Sophia. It was now 10.00pm and Sianne made a move to go home as she needed to get a train home. I walked her to Manchester Piccadilly Station and said our goodbye’s but it was really nice seeing her again and have agreed to meet again in the future. I then headed back to the Village, met up with Sophia again but I decided I need to get change again so headed back to my car. At the time I was wearing nice jeans and light coloured top but wanted to change into a skirt for the rest of the evening. Now there lies a problem, I also need to put hosiery on too which in this case was stockings. Getting inside the car into a skirt and stockings, just say was not easy but eventually I done it. Final adjustments were done when i met up with Sophia again and went onto enjoy the rest of the evening before arriving home once again at 2.30 in the morning. 

Now the last meeting above was some 3 weeks ago and as things stand my next outing will be Sparkle in Manchester next week for three days - something I’m looking forward too but the theme I think will be dresses! Anyway enough on this entry and may be make another (short) entry before Sparkle to cover other recent matters. 

April 2015 - Losing the will to be me!!

I thought I was overdue to make another entry in my blog but there is never any set time limit to make an entry anyway, so does it make any difference? Mmmm, just rambling I suppose so I’m able to start writing this entry! 

It is now almost the end of April and things are quiet which seems to be the normal these days! However, it should not be like that as otherwise, now’t to write in this blog about! So what had been happening, well nothing! Oh sorry, manage to get to Leeds First Friday at the beginning of the month as I went with Paula, a local friend who I had not seen for over 9 months. An enjoyable evening was had as expected, met up with Tina Maria, who manage to get chucked out of her hotel room for non-compliance with fire regulations and also finally met Jill from the North East, after about 12 months regular internet contact. Oh yes bumped into Diane and her partner Ashley who were looking well as well as saying hello to Cindy - she being a lovely stunning girl. Being the Good Friday, I must admit although there quite a few people about, but it did seem a little quieter than normal. As for my next LFF outing, well it will be towards end of the year at the earliest but that is not definite. 

Now interestingly, I am attempting to rack my brains, if I manage to get out during March and if I did, I cannot remember it! So what does that tell you, an evening to forget may be or just another evening in the Village without any images to prove I went out! Regardless, the some total of outings in the last two months is either one or two sadly. That says a lot of how quiet things are to be honest and not something I like either. 

With in the last couple of weeks, Amanda (York) who was working in the area had been attempting meet me locally for afternoon / evening outing but sadly for a number of reasons, just could not get our paths to cross sadly, which was unfortunate and also realise, it was not meant to be. Hopefully, an opportunity will arise to again to see each other soon? In the meantime, I have a provisional meeting to meet Kelly from Manchester on 18th May, who is full time and looks if she enjoys her “everyday” life, if you look at her flickr images. Fingers cross this meeting happens. 

As I have written, things are too quiet to be honest with the problem made especially worst by no contact by so called friends, although I do try to make contact but sadly just no response. Clearly, they are too busy with there lives which is fair enough but not to stay in contact is just really not on. May be the bottom line, people don’t like me or don’t wish to find time to stay in touch? I have also attempted to make contact with other girls, to start some sort of genuine friendship but that is either hard work with little response or just nothing there to begin with. Even today, I’ve tried to get out but no one about to meet even in the Village, Manchester and certainly don’t fancy being on my own! So consequently, I don’t bother and write this blog entry instead! I am now realising with lack of any contact with other girls, I am now losing the will to be “me” and wondering what it’s all about in the first place! My confidence in being me is slowly disappearing too and I’m frightened I get to the stage, that I won’t bother at all. 

The stupid thing though, I enjoy being “me”, I enjoy the dressing up, getting out and would like to meet friends and have a good time but there is just no chance of that happening. Yes, I have a provisional meeting with Kelly in 3 weeks but by then, will I want to go out if I’ve not been out before then? That is the real question I suppose! Yes, things can and do change literally overnight but the reality, I am just going backwards now and will I end up in the closet again? That how it seems sadly. M.R. wont mind that I suppose but for me as a person, won’t do me any good what so ever! Yes, I do believe, once a TV always a TV, that I accept but what does the future hold for “me” now? Time to say goodbye to my lovely clothes as I am wasting my valuable time I have left in my life? 

Talking about life, sadly but glad in this particular instance, my father finally passed away at the end of March. I say glad and not being cruel, he was suffering from “Dementia” and the sad reality of the situation, he had no idea where or who he was, let alone who I (or my family) were. No one deserves to suffer like that but at least he is at peace. However, I must admit, attending his funeral, was strange to say the least, it was like attending a friend’s funeral rather than my fathers funeral. Myself and other members of the family, neither had any emotions or feelings on the day nor strangely since then either. Without going into the whole story of my father and his wife, who the latter, arrange the funeral etc without any input from me or my family, my father seem to have taken all our feelings for him away which I find sad but one that I cannot explain. Sadly, I will never find the answer either as it is too late! 

Well, I’ve written enough for this entry, as it is all doom and gloom without any real inspiration for the future either. The other question now, will I actually be at Sparkle in July? 

March 2015 - It's been a while!

Hello Blog, I have been neglecting you of late but you have not been forgotten though! I suppose that suggest’s not much to report and it is more or less is correct. Outings have been sparse so far, in fact only three so far, one at beginning of January and two in February. There has been a number of reasons for that which includes picking up another virus which would just not go away for at least three weeks!! A sense of frustration there but not much I could do about it. 

My first 2015 outing was to the Village, meeting up with Kate for a quiet evening and playing catch up on each other’s news. In fact it was just another outing in the Village except noting the closure of “Taurus” and with neither Eden, Churchill’s and probably couple of other bars not being open! OK beginning of the year I suppose but never noted that before, so may be a sign of the times and the economy is still not on the up contrary to what the “Government” are telling us! May be things are better in London but have they looked further afield, probably not which is no surprise. 

It was February before I got out again due to the “virus” already mentioned but the second outing was a good night out as Alison was up in the area and took the opportunity to meet each other in the Village. Another good evening was had with a nice meal in Velvet, then Via afterwards. Interestingly found out that as well as “Taurus” now closed, so had “Eden” too with the rumour that “Taurus” was getting converted into a hotel or something! Whether that is true or not, remains to be seen but losing two decent bar’s in the Village is not a good thing but will someone else step into the breach. Interestingly “Churchills” was also closed that night too! Prior to this outing, I took the opportunity to visit work and give some of my girly colleagues a little surprise  who had not seen me before. The visit went down very well and they all said I looked the part and dress appropriately including that my “make-up” was good too. Nice to have those compliments and clearly again, I am doing something right! My third outing was in late February and a visit to Chester was had for an interesting and enjoyable evening was had including meeting a couple of new girls too. 

At the moment and it is the second week of March, no chance of any outings, as last week was difficult to get out as a family member was home all week, with this week, well M.R. and I are off on a week’s holiday from week, so we are having time together instead. A question of priorities at the moment but I’m sure I will play catch up later this month with may be an outing or two next week?

A couple of weeks ago, M.R. had raised a few matters regarding me, along with my recent dress style as she had noted some of my Flickr images. Indirect reference was made to the “short” skirts I was wearing but as I kindly pointed out, it was nothing unusual as worn them in the past and only occasionally too. Outside that, I keep to my usual fashion style as other friends would agree. A couple of other issues were raised too but this happens from time to time with M.R. and I  but it is always a question of re-assurances to make sure things are ok and nothing will change which is very true indeed. 

My good friend Sue is still in the “closet” so to speak after receiving an e/mail from her recently. Sadly her re-introduction to the real world once again is just on hold for a little longer as Sue’s facial problem as still not cleared up and it seems to be taking longer than she may of anticipated to recover! Knowing about Sue’s frustration really puts any moans / problems that I may have into perspective and just makes me think I am lucky to have some sort of choice of being “me”. Sadly Sue don’t have that option and I do feel for her but hopefully things will get better sooner rather than later. Sue, I know you will be reading this, so stick in there my good friend, you are surrounded by good and supportive people especially living near to you, that you know and hopefully, they continue to give you some sort of inspiration in attempting to stay positive, no matter how hard it may seen. And yes I will get in contact with you soon, I did say I would and I will. 

Well, that’s it for now, now’t else to write about, so until the next time my little blog, be careful and take care. x

December 2014 - Dead time come and gone!

Well, first of all, a Happy New year to everyone, especially my friends and especially to Sue, who I sincerely hope, girly things will return be sooner than later. 

OK I know, this entry posted a couple of days into the New Year but titled December 2014 but it is after all about matters in the latter end of 2014! As my previous blog entry suggested, time leading up to xmas is always a dead time for me especially for outings but even I did not expect that there would be one outing during December as I did have plans for at least two but may be three and that did not include the one outing that I achieved. Put simply I got struck down with a virus in the second week of December, which basically spelt curtains for me for the rest of the month especially with Christmas / New Year week on the horizon! So for a while, I had accepted that it would be 2015 before I could get out again and then out of the blue, a message was received from Alison, that she was coming up to Manchester on Sunday 21st and would I like to meet her for an evening out. Well I could not say yes fast enough although I knew I was not 100% health wise but it was an opportunity never the less! See how things can change when you least expect it hey?

Fortunately for me, the virus I had was slowly improving and was ok to meet Alison at the Britannia Hotel, Manchester for an evening out in the Village! My outfit was simply a black lace Laura Ashley dress I had purchase the previous day so getting ready was simply easy as for a change already decided what I was wearing! As for the evening itself, great to see Alison again, lovely meal at Velvet and then hit some bars in the Village. Well being a Sunday and allowing for Christmas, I did not expect to be much activity as it could be quiet but there was enough people about to keep things going until 1am in the morning. The main activities seem to centre around “Via” and “New York, New York” bars so that is where we went for a drink or two along with some dancing too. As no surprise, people there were in a festive mood and all having fun. It was great being in the company of Alison and a good night was had, a nice way to end 2014 after all which at least keep me going until the New Year. 

As for other things, it was normal, just routine and nothing to write about. The festive period itself was a very quiet affair, in fact too quiet and in someways could not wait for it to disappear! On Xmas Day morning went to see my father who is a care home as he has dementia unfortunately. What a sad sight and not one that my Father deserves as like he had done for the previous 12 months, none the wiser for who I was! Yes physically he is still there but mentally, well on planet whatever! I stayed for an hour with him but I just wish he was put out of his misery, he never wanted that and again does not deserve it. OK I know some people will say, you should not wish that but unless you been in that situation, how would you know. No human being deserves that regardless who they are. Dementia is a very very cruel disease and hopefully some form of cure may be found although it wont be in my lifetime. Seeing my Father, scares me unfortunately! 

So it is now 2015 and again, happy new year to all. Looking back on 2014, it was not a bad year for KD, there were some good times, that was for sure but I think the most important thing that came out of the year was something small but significant never the less. I had finally come to terms with who I am and what I can do about it without the pressures / hassle / worries of other people in my life that had been about in previous years. In simple terms, people who knew me especially M.R. work colleagues etc had accepted me for who I am rather what I am. This meant I could be myself in what ever form that may be which made day to day things so much more enjoyable which meant wanting to be KD all the time was not an issue anymore as I could be “me” almost anytime I choose (well within reason)! I hope this continues for the future too.

As for 2015 in consequence, I am just going to take things as they come and see what goes before me rather than attempting to make plans or goals so to speak. Yes, still want to do certain things, such as a Race meeting, theatre outing etc but also various locations including London and may be the North East as well as more routine local outings hopefully with a friend too - now that would be nice as I still miss that especially with Tina going absent without leave in late 2013! I know the likes of Leeds First Friday, Sparkle weekend will definitely figure in any plans but may be a trip to Nottingham too? Who knows hey but will leave my options open regardless. 

Well, time to go as work beckons once again shortly. Happy 2015 to all.