June 12 - Where do I go now!

Not a good day, in fact last few days have not been good but today were I had a little bit of light and some hope, it was extinguish by a simple and cold e/mail! A job I had applied for where I got through a few stages and the interview too were I could do no more, I was simply told “unsuccessful on this occasion” end of! I wanted the job more than most but this knock back is going to have more lasting damaged as it has knocked my confidence no end for job interviews for the future. Clearly I am able to get through the application / assessment stages but now’t else!  Yes, I have had knock backs before and we carry on hoping something else will turn up but that is just not happening. How much can I take especially I am in some people’s eye’s I am over the hill?

I suppose the bottom line, I just don’t come over as the person they wish to see me as and I am sorry I cannot be that perfect person regardless of the clothes I wear! What do people want? Looking back over my life, besides my good lady M.R. everybody else seem to wish to avoid me regardless of who I am in the everyday world. I’ve mentioned it previously, I don’t have many friends and this applies to my other life too - I suppose that tells me a lot about myself but I can’t change who I am now surely? I always thought I was a sincere genuine person, a good sense of humour, considerate and a caring but straight talking person and people would accept me for who I am! Why cannot people look underneath and why they alway prefer see the outside all of the time? Clearly kidding myself in a big way and other’s may be prefer me to be false and non caring person? A sad reflection of our society?? 

Currently I hate my existing employment especially since December last year where I had no choice in the change of job role as the alternative was no job at all! Since then, my work hours have been shit, all over the place yet I work part time! Something just not right there. Besides playing havoc with wishing to be “me”, my time with M.R. is like passing ships in the night, and were in the past, we spent at least two days a week together (mainly weekends), now we are pinching a day together!! A recent example were in the 5 weeks leading up to Friday gone, we manage one whole day together! Wow! And because we been good, we also manage to have a weekend together just gone but not sure when the next one will be! Double wow! This is affecting our relationship, there is no doubt about it and for once my employer will take the blame for it! 

Strange thing really the girls who I work with are nice, generally good to me, can have a laugh with a few of them and other’s may be tolerate me as I do get moody but then again am I surprised in attempting to be all person’s me!! The poor girls cannot imagine what is going through my brain - strange really the only person who seems to understand me is of course M.R. but even she find’s it hard at times so what chance have others - none I suppose! In my current job, I always give what I can and maintain a professional approach especially to customer’s - give no one cause to complain but not sure how long this can go on for - I need the lousy money paid to help makes end’s meet but it is just keeping thing’s at bay rather making any inroads into the home finances but something has got to give sooner or later that is for sure - a catch 22 situation and the bomb is ticking faster at the moment! 

This weekend gone was not a good anyway, as another anniversary of the death of my mum passed by! My thought’s are always with my mum and I (& M.R. for that matter) often wish she was still here - they say time is a great healer but I find sometimes, that is not so easy to do, it still hurts, believe me! My mum is never far away as she is on my little finger but still not close enough though! Hey mum, if you are watching over me, please give me some guidance as I am in need of it at the moment. 

In the light of what happened this afternoon, even my eldest son rang me to offer words of support and wisdom which believe me was something special, yet he still text me later to let me he was there if I needed to chat? That really touch my heart in a big way but oh I wish I could do that, I suppose I could but he would only get half the story! Regardless, the thought was there and that means a lot. 

Oh yes, it is now Tuesday morning and have the wonderful thought of going into “that” place again, something to look forward too (not) especially in my present frame of mind! Yes I will go but as usual, my mood changes as soon as I walk in through the front door - yes I am aware of it but can’t do anything to stop it from happening! Yes, a job is a means to an end, but this employment is not providing that in anyway what so ever - it is making my life a misery, worst than when I worked at a previous employer from a few years ago and that is saying something! 

  

Well time to go to bed but if you are interested little blog, yes manage to get out twice in last couple of weeks, nice time was had with Tina and sister. Also have a date at “Sparkle” in mid July but will I have the money to go - may be if I can find a money tree from somewhere!! 

Finally, for fuck sake, could someone give me a break at the moment, I certainly could do with one!! Now I wake up and back to reality - more shit and this is a very long tunnel at the moment!! 

May 12 - Its quiet and "me".

Since my outing in Birmingham which was 3 months ago, I’ve manage to get out once to meet a friend and that was in early April. Either side of that, not a chance and certainly as things stand at the moment at least another 2/3 weeks before any chance of doing so! Even then there is no guarantee of getting out then. Yes there are reasons for this but mainly to do with both money and work, more than anything. As for the former, just none what so ever although on the bright side the bills are being paid - sign of the times I suppose but not sure this will improve in the near future. 

As for work, well would you believe I work part-time, yet my hours are spread over 5 days per week but I’ve covered this problem in a previous blog entry. Nothing has changed and still looking for another proper part-time job. Yes remarkably there are vacancies out there but although I have plenty of experience and knowledge, I do feel I am been put onto the scrap heap which is frustrating and very disheartening at times. All I know I need to get out from my present employment as soon as possible but will I ever though!

Because of lack of being me, at least things at home are quiet but even then there has been some issues to deal with between M.R. and myself. However, here is not the place to discuss them but some is related to previous comments above. 

Ah yes, “me”, this what this blog is about but not much I can write about “me” - in fact who is “me” because there is a distinctive lack of “me” over recent times. Yes, I’m rambling but that is how I feel though. My contact with other friends is at an all time low, basically two girls keep in contact with me, one being Tina and the other Julia, who unfortunately lives in Northampton so “messenger” is our contact there. It would be nice to see Julia again but ............ ! No other so-called friends even bother with me these days, probably think I’ve dropped off the radar! Currently, I’m am trying to make new contact with other girls but that is not easy to say the least. A couple of girls I have got friendly with but it is early days in the friendship stakes, as for meeting, well it may happen, then again, like others before, byeee or drifted away as we not getting anywhere.  

My only proper outing was at the beginning of April were I met Tina at Salford Quays for a quick look around and a nice pleasant meal at Cafe Rouge by the Lowry. Afterwards, we went to the Village but that was part reluctance by both of us and ultimately agreed that it was the wrong move - should of went somewhere else! Although I enjoyed the outing and with my personal thanks to Tina for paying the food bill, I did find it a struggle to get ready though. It was not because of did not want to go out and be “me” but just because of being lack of “me” consistently.  Amazingly, and a lot of girls may envy me but I do have a big wardrobe of clothes (e.g. about 60 skirts for starters) but given my present circumstances I am luck to wear one! This is just crazy, I want to be “me” but my circumstances are just not playing ball - what is this all about? 

Even my interest in some of the forums is waning. I look on them, some have no recent activity which says a lot and then a couple of others have activity but by the same click of people rambling on about the lives and their problems. On occasions, I’ve tried to make some input but all to no avail - giving the impression of I am being ignored! May be its not on purpose but that how it feels, then again may be they don’t like me? Probably the latter I suspect! 

Ah well, time to go, must make dinner before I go to work in my part time role (not) early this afternoon. Mmm Just looking at my "hit" count - no ones looks at this blog anyway, so clearly talking to myself - I feel better for that too (not)! 

March 12 - Friendly Birmingham

Things at the moment are quiet and money at a premium - basically there is none, therefore no outings what so ever since my Birmingham trip four weeks ago and none planned for the rest of this month either - all because no money. Even one of my closest friends as kindly offered to take me out which was such a lovely thought but had to refuse because of my work schedules yet again! Currently, I feel frustrated and down - hence being quiet I suppose but must keep going and hopefully something will turn up?

However, on the bright side, at least I had a nice couple of days with Tina on our visit to Birmingham back in February. This trip had been planned for about 3 months and had decided we would go on a Monday to take the opportunity to visit “Outskirts” who have meetings twice a month at the “Equator Bar” in Hurst St and stay overnight at the near by Ibis Hotel. I had arranged to collect Tina from her house but arrived a little late to an emergency at home. Anyway, I wore a brown co-ordinated skirt outfit with my new M&S boots to travel down to Birmingham but first port of call was diesel for the car otherwise not get far! Likewise we stopped once at a M6 service station on the way down as I had no dinner. As you would expect, I was just part of the everyday world at those locations and we eventually arrived at the hotel. Parking in the area was relevantly simple and cheap too.

Now we had arrived in our hotel room and neither of us wasted anytime in getting changed as we were both hungry. Tina and I both wore dresses for the evening and Tina looked as ever, lovely and natural. Eventually we were ready and headed to the Acadian Centre where there were a number of eating establishments and decided on the Las Iguanas Restaurant serving Brazilian / Mexican food. After a couple of hours after nice food and excellent service by the staff, it was time to head for the Equator Bar and find out for ourselves what Outskirts was all about. On entering the bar, it was reasonably packed with many girls in attendance and we stayed for a couple of hours, chatting with some of the girls there including Sally Payne, our host. Overall, we found at least on that evening, all the girls made good efforts in looking nice, the venue was open, clean and drinks were reasonably priced too. Certainly we would recommend a visit if you are in the area. Afterwards, although being a Monday, headed to “The Core” bar/club as it was open and it seem to be the favourite place for some of the “Outskirts” girls. Unfortunately besides the girls, it was quiet other than the music - loud was not the word but we decided bed time was calling and headed back to the hotel.

After a reasonable nights sleep, Tina and I got ready, departed hotel and put our things in the car ready for the journey home later in the day. We had decided before hand, that we would visit the Bull Ring shopping centre which was literally less than 10 mins walk away but need breakfast first before we could do that. In consequence ended up in a Wetherspoons pub as it was cheap and has it happens, plentiful and tasteful too. We headed for the shopping centre mainly window shopping, well certainly in my case anyway but unknown to me Tina had other idea’s! Amongst the many places we visited, it included House of Fraser too were there is a wig outlet which had been recommended, this had clearly interested Tina. Having found the outlet, we found ourselves surrounded by some lovely wigs, some of which caught our eyes especially Tina. Jenny the sales advisor made us welcome and at ease. Well cut a story short, Tina purchase a lovely new wig and we made our exit. Afterwards, further window shopping was had and along with the customary visit the Mac outlet and a short break at Starbucks. Later on we had a quick visit to Moor St Station as Tina was particular interested in the way they had preserved it as a typical 1930’s railway station. By this time out feet were wary and time to head home. The journey home although peak hour, was uneventful and eventually said our goodbyes to each other and that was the nice adventure over.

Looking back at the two days, it was nice being me, it seem natural and a good time was had for both of us. I think the biggest satisfaction to come out it, is the way we just blended in while shopping in the city centre, there was no indications by anyone that they anything different about us (well there was not really) and we got on about our business just like everybody else. Everyone was friendly and we cannot wait to go back again to Birmingham.

Well, that is I can write about and the above trip was 4 weeks ago - how time flies but it will nice when I can make an appearance again - mmm when will that be though?

February 12 - Interesting times!

First entry for this year which I suppose is good in a number of ways as it means things are OK? In some ways they are and no complaints what so ever there but other parts of my life are not ideal such as work!

Ive been in my present employment for over 4 years now and everything was fine until just after Christmas when the business decided my role was no longer required and had to do another role instead - basically they moved the goal-posts and Management done the dirty on me. Well at least I have not lost my job but these days although I’m part-time, the hours I work now are just playing havoc with parts of my life, leaving or finding time hard to be me! Well, I’ve decided to find another job in the present economic climate - don’t laugh but one must try! I did have an interview earlier in the week but i doubt I will get the job, simply I felt the interview could of gone better but at least I got an interview and take that as a positive!

Like numerous people at the moment, spare money is really not readily available so it does restrict outings as such but so far manage to have a handful so far this year which is not too bad. However, on the downside, they have all been in Manchester, mainly in the Village but again cost comes into this and lack of job free time to allow me to get ready without worrying about the call of the family! However, on the bright side of these outings, I have finally met two girls, Lisa B and Sarah who I have been chatting too for a quite a while. In fact with Lisa B, it’s been about 6 years chatting and never met! Lisa B is as good as her images I’ve seen and such a lovely person. Sarah had only been out once as herself, the first time just before the New Year to a local theatre but so this was her first occasion visiting the Village. Sarah looked fantastic and with a lovely personality too - certainly wised up to my and Tina’s wicked sense of humour while out with us. Hopefully , it wont be too long before I see Sarah & Lisa again but no doubt we will continue to communicate to chat via Messenger.

Talking about lack of money previously well much to my surprise, I have not purchase any new items for my wardrobe this year! Not so bad to be honest as my wardrobe is big enough already and a good excuse to wear some of the clothes I’ve not worn yet! At least one way of saving money I suppose!

Just over a week ago, while I was out, I received a text from M.R. informing me that my daughter has known about me for a few years but never said anything! For personal reasons, here is not the place to discuss this matter but just say this revelation came as a bit of a shock! M.R. and I had made a decision not to inform our children about me and this remain’s the case as we have to consider our sons too. Well the bottom line, although I have not had the opportunity to chat to my daughter about “me” yet, although it will happen in due course, it seems she is ok with it and I still remain to be the person as she normally see’s me as always. At least a positive step forward and one that I can take on board without too much of a problem.

Looking at the rest of 2012, I don’t have any definite plans for outings, so it just taking things as they come and see what happens but hopefully one or two with M.R and my sister too. May be my ongoing plans to go to the races and a theatre visit may happen too? Certainly will see Julia again, now with her boyfriend, George and when chatted to her, she seems to be happy and content which is nice to hear especially after last year’s events in her life - she deserves some good fortune. Well time to finish this entry but my nest outing is only around the corner when Tina and I are going to Birmingham for the day/night which will include a visit to “Outskirts” too. It should be a good couple of days. More of this in my next entry hopefully.

December 11 - Not long!

Yes, not long before the New Year - sooner the better. Sorry, just not a Christmas lover I’m afraid, all hype but no substance I’m afraid and just get’s in the way of the rest of the year. However, if you like Christmas and all that, have a good one and may all your wishes come true!

Since my last entry, not much as gone on other the usual routine of work and numerous family matters. Oh yes, I was not well for a few days which included a couple of visits to A and E were a mini MOT was given and besides the problem in question, the rest of me was fine - so some good news ! Anyway after about 9 days, I thankfully recovered but it did take any outing thoughts out of my head completely.

Talking of outings, well there has only been three since the last blog entry, two to Manchester and another to Cheshire Oaks. First one, met up with Tina again (on a Tuesday) and a nice time was had, plenty of girly gossip and much to our surprise, came across Karen who was visiting from Tyne & Wear for a few days. The only thing that was different that day, was the visit to M&S in the city centre were “nature” called. No choice but to visit the toilet located in the basement next to the food department. Well headed straight to the entrance, turned left and hey presto, about 10 other ladies all waiting patiently! Fortunately for me in the past, never really encounted that problem before but anyway had no choice but to tag on. Now this is one of those occasions, were you do need to have self composure and express confidence in yourself. Well suffice to say, I passed with flying colours, even had time to brush my hair, check my make up and departed pass another queue of waiting ladies! In my mind, that tells me a lot about my demeanor and appearance - clearly I am presenting myself as I wish to be! While I was in M and S, I did purchase a pair of leather clothes for MR! Yes, may be Im out as KD but MR not far from my thoughts. lol.

My next outing was with MR to the Village last Wednesday which was the usual run of the mill, but never the less, most enjoyable. A nice meal at Taurus, visit to Richmond Tea Rooms and the Molly House were we met Kate on her usual weekly outing. A quick visit to Manchester Concord was had also being there Christmas Party night and met Jane Maybe who was looking well, but not sure why we went there anyway! However, on the positive side, prior to arriving in the Village, I had suggested to MR, would she like to go the Salford Quays Shopping Mall as we were running a little early. To my surprise, she said yes! Although MR has been to Southport and Cheshire Oaks, they were restricted visits, this would be the first normal public outing with me! So off we went and for next 90 minutes visited numerous shops, made purchases and even got called “sisters” by one gentleman seeking raffle ticket purchases! It all seem natural although clearly for MR not so understandably but she seem ok with it all. This was a big step for her but never the less, a boost to my own confidence, that MR finds me “presentable” for want of a better word!

The last outing was Monday gone, this time meeting my sister at Cheshire Oaks for some shopping and again a bite to eat at a local restuarant. This was just a run of a mill outing were two girls just going about their own business. In some ways, a none event but that says a lot anyway! :-)

Well that is about it for this year, I had hoped to get out a couple more occasions before Christmas but it was not possible or meant to be. May be or should I say, hope to get out sometime next week being a few days before New Year but currently not sure though, but will know better after Christmas I suppose? In the meantime, strange it may seem, not chatted or met any friends leading up to Christmas, so not had the opportunity to give them my best wishes for the season. Ah well, life is like that at times but now look forward to 2012 - mmmm, what will that bring??