Wednesday, 29 April 2015

April 2015 - Losing the will to be me!!

I thought I was overdue to make another entry in my blog but there is never any set time limit to make an entry anyway, so does it make any difference? Mmmm, just rambling I suppose so I’m able to start writing this entry! 

It is now almost the end of April and things are quiet which seems to be the normal these days! However, it should not be like that as otherwise, now’t to write in this blog about! So what had been happening, well nothing! Oh sorry, manage to get to Leeds First Friday at the beginning of the month as I went with Paula, a local friend who I had not seen for over 9 months. An enjoyable evening was had as expected, met up with Tina Maria, who manage to get chucked out of her hotel room for non-compliance with fire regulations and also finally met Jill from the North East, after about 12 months regular internet contact. Oh yes bumped into Diane and her partner Ashley who were looking well as well as saying hello to Cindy - she being a lovely stunning girl. Being the Good Friday, I must admit although there quite a few people about, but it did seem a little quieter than normal. As for my next LFF outing, well it will be towards end of the year at the earliest but that is not definite. 

Now interestingly, I am attempting to rack my brains, if I manage to get out during March and if I did, I cannot remember it! So what does that tell you, an evening to forget may be or just another evening in the Village without any images to prove I went out! Regardless, the some total of outings in the last two months is either one or two sadly. That says a lot of how quiet things are to be honest and not something I like either. 

With in the last couple of weeks, Amanda (York) who was working in the area had been attempting meet me locally for afternoon / evening outing but sadly for a number of reasons, just could not get our paths to cross sadly, which was unfortunate and also realise, it was not meant to be. Hopefully, an opportunity will arise to again to see each other soon? In the meantime, I have a provisional meeting to meet Kelly from Manchester on 18th May, who is full time and looks if she enjoys her “everyday” life, if you look at her flickr images. Fingers cross this meeting happens. 

As I have written, things are too quiet to be honest with the problem made especially worst by no contact by so called friends, although I do try to make contact but sadly just no response. Clearly, they are too busy with there lives which is fair enough but not to stay in contact is just really not on. May be the bottom line, people don’t like me or don’t wish to find time to stay in touch? I have also attempted to make contact with other girls, to start some sort of genuine friendship but that is either hard work with little response or just nothing there to begin with. Even today, I’ve tried to get out but no one about to meet even in the Village, Manchester and certainly don’t fancy being on my own! So consequently, I don’t bother and write this blog entry instead! I am now realising with lack of any contact with other girls, I am now losing the will to be “me” and wondering what it’s all about in the first place! My confidence in being me is slowly disappearing too and I’m frightened I get to the stage, that I won’t bother at all. 

The stupid thing though, I enjoy being “me”, I enjoy the dressing up, getting out and would like to meet friends and have a good time but there is just no chance of that happening. Yes, I have a provisional meeting with Kelly in 3 weeks but by then, will I want to go out if I’ve not been out before then? That is the real question I suppose! Yes, things can and do change literally overnight but the reality, I am just going backwards now and will I end up in the closet again? That how it seems sadly. M.R. wont mind that I suppose but for me as a person, won’t do me any good what so ever! Yes, I do believe, once a TV always a TV, that I accept but what does the future hold for “me” now? Time to say goodbye to my lovely clothes as I am wasting my valuable time I have left in my life? 

Talking about life, sadly but glad in this particular instance, my father finally passed away at the end of March. I say glad and not being cruel, he was suffering from “Dementia” and the sad reality of the situation, he had no idea where or who he was, let alone who I (or my family) were. No one deserves to suffer like that but at least he is at peace. However, I must admit, attending his funeral, was strange to say the least, it was like attending a friend’s funeral rather than my fathers funeral. Myself and other members of the family, neither had any emotions or feelings on the day nor strangely since then either. Without going into the whole story of my father and his wife, who the latter, arrange the funeral etc without any input from me or my family, my father seem to have taken all our feelings for him away which I find sad but one that I cannot explain. Sadly, I will never find the answer either as it is too late! 

Well, I’ve written enough for this entry, as it is all doom and gloom without any real inspiration for the future either. The other question now, will I actually be at Sparkle in July? 

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