Tuesday, 26 June 2012

June 12 - Where do I go now!

Not a good day, in fact last few days have not been good but today were I had a little bit of light and some hope, it was extinguish by a simple and cold e/mail! A job I had applied for where I got through a few stages and the interview too were I could do no more, I was simply told “unsuccessful on this occasion” end of! I wanted the job more than most but this knock back is going to have more lasting damaged as it has knocked my confidence no end for job interviews for the future. Clearly I am able to get through the application / assessment stages but now’t else!  Yes, I have had knock backs before and we carry on hoping something else will turn up but that is just not happening. How much can I take especially I am in some people’s eye’s I am over the hill?

I suppose the bottom line, I just don’t come over as the person they wish to see me as and I am sorry I cannot be that perfect person regardless of the clothes I wear! What do people want? Looking back over my life, besides my good lady M.R. everybody else seem to wish to avoid me regardless of who I am in the everyday world. I’ve mentioned it previously, I don’t have many friends and this applies to my other life too - I suppose that tells me a lot about myself but I can’t change who I am now surely? I always thought I was a sincere genuine person, a good sense of humour, considerate and a caring but straight talking person and people would accept me for who I am! Why cannot people look underneath and why they alway prefer see the outside all of the time? Clearly kidding myself in a big way and other’s may be prefer me to be false and non caring person? A sad reflection of our society?? 

Currently I hate my existing employment especially since December last year where I had no choice in the change of job role as the alternative was no job at all! Since then, my work hours have been shit, all over the place yet I work part time! Something just not right there. Besides playing havoc with wishing to be “me”, my time with M.R. is like passing ships in the night, and were in the past, we spent at least two days a week together (mainly weekends), now we are pinching a day together!! A recent example were in the 5 weeks leading up to Friday gone, we manage one whole day together! Wow! And because we been good, we also manage to have a weekend together just gone but not sure when the next one will be! Double wow! This is affecting our relationship, there is no doubt about it and for once my employer will take the blame for it! 

Strange thing really the girls who I work with are nice, generally good to me, can have a laugh with a few of them and other’s may be tolerate me as I do get moody but then again am I surprised in attempting to be all person’s me!! The poor girls cannot imagine what is going through my brain - strange really the only person who seems to understand me is of course M.R. but even she find’s it hard at times so what chance have others - none I suppose! In my current job, I always give what I can and maintain a professional approach especially to customer’s - give no one cause to complain but not sure how long this can go on for - I need the lousy money paid to help makes end’s meet but it is just keeping thing’s at bay rather making any inroads into the home finances but something has got to give sooner or later that is for sure - a catch 22 situation and the bomb is ticking faster at the moment! 

This weekend gone was not a good anyway, as another anniversary of the death of my mum passed by! My thought’s are always with my mum and I (& M.R. for that matter) often wish she was still here - they say time is a great healer but I find sometimes, that is not so easy to do, it still hurts, believe me! My mum is never far away as she is on my little finger but still not close enough though! Hey mum, if you are watching over me, please give me some guidance as I am in need of it at the moment. 

In the light of what happened this afternoon, even my eldest son rang me to offer words of support and wisdom which believe me was something special, yet he still text me later to let me he was there if I needed to chat? That really touch my heart in a big way but oh I wish I could do that, I suppose I could but he would only get half the story! Regardless, the thought was there and that means a lot. 

Oh yes, it is now Tuesday morning and have the wonderful thought of going into “that” place again, something to look forward too (not) especially in my present frame of mind! Yes I will go but as usual, my mood changes as soon as I walk in through the front door - yes I am aware of it but can’t do anything to stop it from happening! Yes, a job is a means to an end, but this employment is not providing that in anyway what so ever - it is making my life a misery, worst than when I worked at a previous employer from a few years ago and that is saying something! 
Well time to go to bed but if you are interested little blog, yes manage to get out twice in last couple of weeks, nice time was had with Tina and sister. Also have a date at “Sparkle” in mid July but will I have the money to go - may be if I can find a money tree from somewhere!! 

Finally, for fuck sake, could someone give me a break at the moment, I certainly could do with one!! Now I wake up and back to reality - more shit and this is a very long tunnel at the moment!! 

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