Tuesday, 26 November 2013

November 2013 - Not in a good place!

Well another entry in the blog but this is the entry I wanted to write before the “LFF” thread but I like to do things in order, such is me! 

Since LFF, not actually manage to get out what so ever due to work and home which always seem to happen when it matters! So basically, I’ve been put on the back burner so to speak although as usual no ones fault! Well that is what I keep telling myself. So as some girls know, we get a sense of frustration, annoyance and disappointment too when we can't be ourselves. Unusually, I have even dress twice at home for the evening which is something I’m not always comfortable with because of waiting someone (family) to appear at the front door - just can’t 100% relax. The first time, I actually got ready and collected M.R. from work, which caught her by surprise or was it shock? Anyway, she seem to be ok with the fact she was with her special friend as M.R. puts it. However, regardless which way you see it, that has been the exceptions for this month! 

Contact with other friends has been minimal too for some unknown reason which leaves me with the feeling have I done something or said something wrong to anyone? Of course, that is not the case but when things are not going right, then you think all sorts and end up adding one and one which makes five! 

Anyway, I digress and the bottom line is I am just not right in the head at the moment although I was ok up to yesterday dinnertime, since then all gone down hill! As usual no one’s fault except my own all because of who I am - is that right? Yesterday, I had the opportunity to actually get out daytime to meet a girl in Manchester, so consequently made provisional arrangements to meet at about 1pm. It had been a while since Ive done a daylight outing in normalville so was looking forward to it. Well I was getting ready with a scheduled departure time at 12.30hrs and I had got almost got ready applying the final touches to my make-up when suddenly front door opened and my son had arrived home from work. OK no problem, stay in the bedroom and wait for my son to have his dinner before going back to work which would be about 30 mins! Son was thinking I was having a lie down so not raising suspicions and I text my friend to advise of delayed arrival! Anyway, 30 mins went and gone beginning to realise my son was not going anywhere, leaving me in a situation knowing that I was not going to get out what so ever. Consequently, I had to change back, make up all off etc and went downstairs to see son who advised me he had taken the afternoon off work and was staying in! Oh great I thought and yet another conspiracy against me but it left me texting my friend I was not coming which I am sure pleased her no end (not). So yet again I was left high and dry for an outing, yet no one’s fault except mine! 

Because of the above, since then, my mind has not been in the right place and finding it difficult to know what to do and consequently move on! M.R. is aware of the above situation and quite rightly see say’s not my son’s fault as he don’t know but it don’t make me feel any better about myself or the situation in general. I am now in a quiet (but not good) mood and prefer to be on my own but sadly I cant do that, as I’ve got to go to work and face the public, something I don’t feel like doing! 

OK, the above was unfortunate but it keeps happening. it is me who is suffering when this happens and sometimes I don't know how to deal with the situation. Home for the last 24 hours has been quiet as no one is talking to me, knowing the mood I am in but how do I get out of it?  My feeling although probably wrong, everything in my life centre’s around everyone else so where do I fit into this? What about me? Please don't suggest tell son about “me” but it is not as simple as that, oh I wish it was but M.R. and I have made a joint decision not say anything! M.R. is my rock and has been good to me especially to take onboard “me” without a choice too, where would I be without her, the mind boggles but my foreseeable future is with her regardless which wont change. So what do I do yet again? Interesting M.R. said something to me last night in defending my son, saying he is only human, but my answer was simple, so am I as I am also human! End of conversation! 

So there you go my little blog, where next, time will tell no doubt but currently “not in a good place”!


Sue Richmond said...

Sorry, honey. It's very difficult, isn't it. And there are never easy answers to solving the competing demands of our nature with the desire to keep relationships on an even keel. I hope you get a nice trip out before Christmas to compensate. Sue xxx

Bev. said...

This post worries me a lot, but I do not know you well enough to comment reliably. It worries me simply because it mirrors my own experiences and you know where that led me...

Even telling your son might not help because (from my own experience) once you find that you can tell people you feel you can move to the next stage.

Kay Denise said...

Thank you Bev for your concern and I do know what you are thinking. First I'm fine and second I dont think our routes will be the same somehow. But regardless, I appreciate you looking in. Thank You. x